Dear Denethor
by cyberwulf
Summary: Family problems? Let the Steward of Gondor offer you his advice!


Dear Denethor

Family problems? Let the Steward of Gondor offer you his expert advice!

* * *

Dear Denethor,

I have been a single parent for the past forty years. I always believed I was doing a good job until just recently. Firstly, I suspect that my only son may be gay. He's forty years old, shows no signs of marrying, and still lives with me. Secondly, my nephew/adopted son has done nothing but argue with me lately, all because he dislikes one of my advisors. Lastly, this morning I observed my niece/adopted daughter donning her brother's hand-me-down armour and posing in the mirror. What can I do? Is this my fault? Have I been a bad father?

Teddy-Bear King, Edoras.

Denethor says:

Of course it's your fault. You've been a terrible parent. Your adopted children have somehow got the idea that you love them as much as your own son. It is clear that you permitted them to have proper meals and chambers of their own, rather than locking them in the dungeons and feeding them scraps from your table. Next time your nephew argues with you, beat him. As for your niece, stop using her name when you want her, and start snapping your fingers at her instead. If she doesn't move fast enough, I suggest you slap her round the legs with a ruler. Both your adopted children will soon know their place.

As for your son, well, you have only yourself to blame. This is what you get when you put all your eggs in one basket. Imagine the state Gondor would be in if I didn't have my beloved Boromir and had to put all my faith in Faramir the failure! Still, try filling his chamber with comely virgins and locking him in until he begets at least one heir.

* * *

Dear Denethor,

My beloved daughter is Elfkind… yet she has fallen in love with a Mortal. A Mortal I raised in my own household. She declares that she has chosen a mortal life, and that she means to marry this man. The light of the Elvenstar is leaving her! What am I to do?

El Healer, Rivendell.

Denethor says:

You've clearly been sparing the rod and spoiling the child if your daughter has got an idea like this into her head. For shame! What she needs now is a good caning. Roast her backside and then lock her in her chamber for a few months. I guarantee she'll be far less uppity after that. As for this Mortal lover of hers, banish him from your household. And let that be a lesson to you – never take in foundlings.

* * *

Dear Denethor,

Yesterday my son introduced me to his new friend. The problem is that this friend is a Dwarf. I despise Dwarves, and I don't want my darling son anywhere near them. Yet if I bring this up, I fear it will lead to a dreadful argument that will ultimately leave me alienated from my son. All over a miserable, gem-grubbing Dwarf. I'm very disappointed in my son. How should I deal with this?

King T, Mirkwood.

Denethor says,

If you are disappointed in your son, simply give up on him and focus all your energy on a better child. Remember, there is nothing wrong with blatantly favouring one child over another, or with rebuking your least favourite child in front of his siblings. Occasionally they will stand up for each other, but dismiss their objections often enough and they'll soon realise it's an exercise in futility. Withdraw all affection and praise from your Dwarf-loving son, and soon he'll be trying desperately to be what he believes is your idea of the perfect child.

* * *

Dear Denethor,

My father blatantly favours me over my younger brother. I am his beloved son; my brother is simply 'the failure'. I cannot endure this appalling state of affairs any longer. I will permit no-one to hurt my baby brother so, not even our own father. Is there a way I can take my father to task over his treatment of my brother that is somewhat more diplomatic than simply running my sword up his scrawny behind?

Enraged, Minas Tirith.

Denethor says,

I dare say your father has good reasons for treating you and your brother differently. Do not question his authority or judgement, for if you do, you may find yourself disinherited, homeless, sent on a perilous quest, etc…

* * *

Dear Denethor,

I love my uncle/adopted father dearly – he has been my father for longer than my real one. But he's such a chauvinist boar. I can fight as well as any man – better, perhaps. Yet he will not give me a chance to prove myself. All because I am a woman. How can I make him see sense?

Little Miss Kick-Ass, Edoras.

Denethor says,

If you really love your uncle, you will do as he says and respect his wishes. You should be grateful he took you in. Drop all this nonsense about fighting alongside men, and fetch your uncle a flagon of ale.

* * *

Dear Denethor,

I suspect my father may be gay. It has been forty years since my mother died, and he has never remarried. If he has not fallen in love again, I can understand. But I have never seen him so much as leer at a serving wench. I wish to know for certain, as it might provide an explanation for some confusing feelings of my own. But I fear what his reaction will be if I ask him directly.

Teddy Bear Prince, Edoras.

Denethor says,

You dare cast aspersions on your father's masculinity? Shame on you! Go and punish yourself at once.

* * *

Dear Denethor,

I have a wretched relationship with my father. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot please him. Meanwhile he showers love, praise and attention on my older brother. All I desire is for my father to at least smile at me, and perhaps embrace me from time to time. I love him dearly, and it pains me that he does not love me in return.

Little Boy Lost, Osgiliath.

Denethor says,

If nothing you do is good enough for your father, then you're not trying hard enough! If you want to make your father happy, stop failing all the time, and start acting like your older brother. I'll wager HE doesn't mope around writing whining, tearstained letters like a little girl.

* * *

"Dear Denethor" ghostwritten by Cyberwulf. The advice reflects the personal views of Denethor, Steward of Gondor, who dictated these replies and stood over the author and slurped wine while she typed. Denethor, Steward of Gondor, is not responsible for any further deterioration of familial relationships after taking his advice. The preceding fic was rated 12s (PG-13). All characters are the property of J.R.R Tolkien.


End file.
